Saturday, April 30, 2005

Cleaning Log: Day 7

Sweet completion! Final South Park count: 38

Hrmph! Turns out, I have a really nice house.

I am now immune to the following:
- E-Coli
- Salmonella
- Flesh eating bacteria
- Polio
- The smell of my own farts
- Breast cancer
- Hepatitus B
- Earthly mould
- Peanuts
- The common cold
- Pop-ups
- The black death
- Pregnancy
- Jock itch
- Athlete's foot
- Gonhorrea
- Diahorrea
- Human warmth

I learned a lot too. I learned that a chez lounge in the kitchen is a bad place to put garbage. I learned that one should never move the couch. Ever.

Bring on the classes!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Cleaning Log: Day 6

I did fuck all today. I just went in for a job interview(nailed it), then started drinking.

I'll hopefully finish up today because I'm going back to Aurora for the weekend. Chris Abela is coming to get Pastor and I. Thanks Chris, I owe you one. Old school house party (AKA Jam) at Seano's tonight, I can't wait.

Progress Report
Garbage: 98.0%
Dishes: 100.0%
Floors: 85.5%
Walls, ceilings: 52.0%
Bathrooms: 66.6%
Laundry: 72.0%
South Park episodes watched: 35

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Cleaning Log: Day 5

Enter the home stretch.

At this point most of the house actually looks quite clean. All I have left to tackle is a couple spots of floor, the basement bathroom and the ketchup on the ceiling. I'm so close to being finished I can almost taste it. Tastes like, easy mac...

When I finished the kitchen/dining room area, I decided to celebrate by baking some delicious double chocolate muffins. Then I got mad at myself for dirtying more dishes.

My good friend Jean-Paul is crashing here for a couple days meaning I no longer have to worry about my sanity.

Progress Report
Garbage: 98.0%
Dishes: 100.0%
Floors: 85.5%
Walls, ceilings: 52.0%
Bathrooms: 66.6%
Laundry: 72.0%
South Park episodes watched: 27

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Cleaning Log: Day 4

Yeah, I didn't do much since the last log. I spent the day socializing with other humans. I even got to sit in on an EEG reading and talk sciency stuff with the doctor! Go Psych 261! I saw real Alpha waves. It was awesome.

I also got called about a job interview for kitchen staff tomorrow. Another shit job to leave off the resumé? I hope so!

Progress Report
Garbage: 95.0%
Dishes: 100.0%
Floors: 13.5%
Walls, ceilings: 4.2%
Bathrooms: 33.3%
Laundry: 51.0%
South Park episodes watched: 15

Monday, April 25, 2005

Cleaning Log: Day 3

Geez, it's tough to get around the bark...

Today I found about half my wardrobe in the downstairs Laundry room. It turns out that I stuck it all in the washer and just forgot about it for a month. DISHES ARE DONE! I washed every dish in the freaking house, by hand. I also went on cobweb patrol.

Cobweb patrol is when I walk around with a long stick and twirl it around in all the various webs around the house. They wind up(and around) into a tight ball of web at the end of the stick, like the make-shift torches people alway make in movies when they enter a giant spider cave. Unfortunately I used my only broom to collect the web. Now there's a big gross wad of web in my face as I sweep up. Oh well, I press on(and around).

Progress Report
Garbage: 83.2%
Dishes: 100.0%
Floors: 5.0%
Walls, ceilings: 4.2%
Bathrooms: 33.3%
Laundry: 39.0%
South Park episodes watched: 10

Cleaning Log: Day 2

For the moment, this house is my fortress of solitude. I've been alone here for 4 days. That and the horrors I am trying to sanctify are beginning to wear down my sanity. But I must push on! The South Park helps me keep it together.

One interesting thing I found was this crazy mould-type-stuff on the walls in the upstairs bathroom. It's been here since we moved in, I always thought it was damage to the paint or something, but It turns out that you can just wipe it off. Two lightbulbs burnt out. There is now no light source for the main floor bathroom/laundry room.

I'm taking most of the day off to look for jobs and whatnot, I figure I'll be done with this mess in about 2 days.

Progress Report:
TOTAL PROGRESS:approx. 40.0%
Garbage: 75.0%
Dishes: 75.0%
Floors: 0.0%
Walls, Ceilings : 2.5%
Bathrooms: 33.3%
Laudry: 28.0%
South Park episodes watched: 4

Sunday, April 24, 2005

In the event of my untimely demise

This may be my last post, so there's a couple things I need to get off my chest:

Dave - There's $1,700 taped on the inside of your acoustic guitar. Save it for the coming storm. I really didn't piss in that drink. Or did I?
Steph - I truly hate you, I just never knew how to tell you.
Sebastian - It's MY baby.
Hambone - Set the kittens free. Set the kittens free.
Onions - Your sister isn't retarded, you are retarded.
Sean - Steve actually did swim in a pool full of Jell-o.
Gladys - I always loved you baby.
Cynthia - I always loved you baby.
Stacy - I always loved you baby.
Andrew - Thanks kid, thanks.
Rivers - Dude, Pinkerton was fucking great.

This may be my last post because I am about to dive balls-deep into the filth that plagues my house. I intend to purge this place of pestilence. Ten men made this mess, but only one can defeat it. I may fail, but even if I perish in the endeavor, my life will not have been lost in vain. I will have died fighting for what we all long for, freedom and the Canadian way.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

And the magic word is...

...Wasted. That pretty much sums up the last 24 hours for me. That's what I was last night thanks to Jeff Henry's Buck-fifty-one and the last of D Bert's homemade "California White". That's what today was. I spent most of the day hiding from the rain and grossly overstaying my welcome at Andrew's place. At some point Mr. Dilts said "I didn't know you were staying over." My reply was "I didn't know I was staying over..." Yeesh.

I've been watching South Park since I got home around 5 PM. My house is empty. There's usually ten people here, now it's only me and the massive mess. Oh, and madness. I'll probably go insane if I don't watch myself. Holy crap its messy around here.

My favourite thing about hangovers is the little promises you make yourself. Stuff like, "I won't ever drink that much again." Little lies.

Speaking of bullshit self-promises, I'm going through all those stupid motions I do anytime I'm about to start a new semester. It's the fresh start syndrome. I'm thinking I'll get a job, get some muscles, go to class, do homework, do Imprint, clean my room, exercise, kill the president, play more rock, play more jazz, play my trumpet, learn bass, fly, see some concerts, date someone, fly fish, party, fix my barbeque, cure cancer and get more rest. Piece of cake, right?

It's New Year's eve all over again. Independantly these goals may be possible, but in my stupid head I earnestly believe that I can do them all. 90% will fail, then at the end of the semester I'll be here again, regretting the failures and pledging to succeed. Always the same ridiculous cycle, fact is I never really change. So much wasted hope. Oh well, at least I've still got the hope.

Star Wars Gangsta Rap? Yes please!

Friday, April 22, 2005

Six-buck bonanaza

One(1) suit jacket and undershirt
One(1) pair of bumble bee boxers
Two(2) socks; possibly matching
Two(2) bottles of three(3)-dollar($) wine
Five Hundred (500) clay poker chips
One(1)Swedish-made penis enlarger pump
...and of course
One(1) acoustic guitar

1)Drink all day at the day-long "Drink till you drop" debauchery starting @ noon w/ the Stephs.
2)Drink some more, play some poker at the Bond, Party, James Bond Party chez Andrew Dilts.

Special thanks to Jeff Anstett for hosting a boss Beer BQ, André Skillingus for driving me around, and MargOR for the tea.

T minus one hour until liftoff!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Ian's Stubborn Vomit


Sunday, April 17, 2005

Fuck the journey, let's hit the patio



So when I finished my 2nd and final exam on Saturday, I walked straight from the PAC to the bus stop on Ring Road. GRT is the first of four separate transit companies I employ for my four-and-a-half hour trek home to Aurora. It usually goes GRT -> Greyhound -> TTC subway -> GO bus or train -> Home. In the winter I don't mind it, but with the sun all out and shit, I was not looking forward to another fucking afternoon odyssy of public transit. No way I'd miss Jwash's 19th b-day party, though.

Naturally I missed my bus, mostly because I suck at math and take forever to do it(DAMN 292 EXAM!). Luckily Dan Micak happened to be walking by at that precise moment. He was kind enough to give me a lift to Kitchener station. Thanks Dan, I caught that Greyhound!

Aurora is good. Party was awesome, I passed out at 1 AM and slept for 12 hours. When I woke up I had no idea where I was. For sweet.

Oh yeah speaking of classes: Psych 292 sucks, it's stats, boring, boring stats. I hope I pass this fucker, although I really don't deserve to. Psych 211, on the other hand, is awesome. Tom Ruttan(the prof) was great. It's child psychology, everyone should take it, especially if you plan to be a parent at any point. The only bad thing about it was the prescence of middle-aged women at the lecture who actually have kids, thus granting them a superior knowledge base compared to the rest of us youngins. They'd just blab on and on about their stupid kids, then ask some idiot question like "What the deal with kids today, what with their hoobastank and devil sticks and whatnot..."

In retrospect the part-time student thing was a bad idea for me. I never really felt like I was in school, so the urge to hammer down and, oh I don't know, get good marks waned and eventualy dissapeared. My average will go down *SIGH*, but on the upside, I've figured out some shit.

Honours Arts and Busniess coop psych major GOODBYE, Hounours Arts English RPW regular stream with a psych minor, here I come! Yeah, so I'm drastically switching programs mostly because I hate coop and like writing. Who knows, this may be just one more misstep on my meandering journey to hobohood but for now it feels like a good idea.

This also means that I will be rocking the full schedule at Waterloo this summer. I'm looking forward to doing good in class for a change, although I will miss Aurora folk desparately. You bastards had better come visit, ya hear? Other than that and my glaring unemployment, its looking to be a wicked summer.

oh yeah, Friday May 21st, 47 Academy Cres, Waterloo: Birthday party #1
Saturday May 22nd, 5 Child Drive, Aurora: Birthday party #2

All ya'll is invited, to both parites(if you is hardcore enough). More details later.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

RIP Simon Barg

Today, my good friend Joshua Ramsey Livingstone is turning 19. Happy Birthday, you bastard.

uh oh, shit's fucked up

For those of you who don't know Josh, he's the strongest man in the world and he sure talks a good word if I've ever heard one. I've known the guy for his entire life and he's one of the few A-dot folks who certainly reads this blog.

Thanks for another year of keeping things interesting.


Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Please don't get sick of me UW

Why can't I ever catch the freaking Daily Show? It's the one thing I try to do in a day yet I always miss it! I mean dammit, tonight I though it was 10:30 when it was actually 11. Stupid dailight savings. Oh well, at least I'm halfway adjusted.

Today I did one thing good, I finalized a deal with the kindly folks at Bomber. That's right, Darren Hutz will be playing Bomber patio on Friday afternoon/evenings for the summer term. I'm getting pennies and booze, but pennies and booze sound better than me paying them for booze. Big Mark asked me for a picture and bio so they can send it over to marketing and plaster my big fat face all over the place. I encourage everyone to come out. I'll probably do 45 minutes at 5 PM, then another 45 starting at 6PM. I'm drastically expanding my repertoire at the moment. I'm even brushing up on the top 40 crap ... Oh Killers, why can't you write a second verse? Is it so hard?

This plus my face beside my column in Imprint means a whole lot of Darren for SLC going folk. I'm pretty psyched about it.

P.S. I need some help here actually.
1) What the hell do you kids listen to these days? I'd like to be unstumpable by any standard crowd. Shameless pandering is the key to any good performance!
2)What the hell should I put in my bio? I hate coming up with those damn things. Some of you guys have seen me play, how should I describe myself?

Comments Rock! I love you guys.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I guess I'm going to Hell then...

Machinegun-wielding Ninja-hookers? Sickfuck Child molesting hobgoblins? Noble but ruthless do-gooders? Yeesh, Sin City is an awesome movie. Great cast, compelling story and the most amazing cinematography I have ever seen. This movie doesn't look like a comic book, it is a comic book. Just one that moves and talks. See it. There's three storylines, there's gratuitous violent but oddly no swearing. That's all you need to know. I'm seeing it again for the second time in two days tonight.

so I figure it is now is an appropriate time for me to revamp my top 10 movies of all time.

in no particular order
1.Sin City - I know its new, but its so damn good.
2.The Princess Bride - The guy from Columbo is in it!
3.Fight Club - Awesome. The book is also awesome.
4.Donnie Darko - I still don't know what the hell happens at the end of this movie. It leaves a lot to the imaginaion, which is awesome.
5.Anchorman - I cried laughing the first second and third time I saw this movie. That's gotta count for something.
6.True Lies - The quintessential action flick. It has terrorists, Arnie, jets, explosions, spy stuff, sex, he even rides a horse at one point! But the real reason I give this flick the nod is for the relentless cheesy one-liners.
7.Wayne's World - I will never need to watch this movie again, I have seen it so many times. It has shaped who I am.
8.Dark City - This one is halfway to the dark comic style of Sin City, but still great. It's got Keifer! and Jennifer Connonly...
9.High Fidelity - A movie as bitter as me! John Cusack is brilliant.
10.Chasing Amy - I just picked one Kevin Smith flick, but all of them could make this list(even Jersey Girl). Chasing Amy is my fave because nothing is resolved and everything sucks in the end. How like life? SIGH

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Less talk Darren, more play

Arg! No more heartfelt sentiments or opionions 'n crap! Now only fun games!


Stinko Man


Warning! These games are extremely addicitive! Enjoy!

Axe to Grind

Oh yeah, I will be writing a music column next term(with my face beside it and everything!). Its called "Axe to Grind" and its about the peforming/writing side of music. I will be writing opposite Dave George-Cosh, who is also doing a music column. It should be a lot of fun.

Some Muslim students have a problem with an article by my good friend "Ramirez de la Puerta" about a man named "Elsamry". I'd link you to the article, but Imprint has been Haxx0rd and the website is down. It spoofs three separate news events that happened over the year and is a brilliant piece of joke writing. The MSA is hollering for a retraction and an apology. I spoke with one of their guys on the phone, as soon as he mentioned the article, I was quick to point out "oh, that was in Misprint, none of that is real!." I'll be writing an editorial about humouristic integrity and the value of jokes and whatnot. I'm looking forward to it. I will also be sitting in on a meeting between the EIC and a few Muslim PhD students. It should be fun. I'll post a full report later.

Also, I'll be posting the lyrics to the Imprint medley shortly.

Saturday, April 02, 2005


Every now and then the emphasis of an endeavor escapes real recognition until its end. I enjoyed a fantastic meal with my fellow journalists as we closed out a term of Imprinting. For many, it was their last Staff lunch ever, at least in an undergraduate capacity. A buttload of really great people aren't gonna be around the office anymore. Best of luck to everyone.

As the afternoon unfolded with food, drink, awards and cards I was merely enjoying myself until the gravity of the event crystalized in my mind. When I first decided to nominate myself for assistant features editor on that fateful day back in January, I was simply testing my hypothesis that I can move seemlessly between volunteer groups. After that novelty faded, I used to think that I kept working at the paper to satisfy my need to be the center of attention while keeping me busy enough to prevent my worry ridden mind from cannibalizing itself over dismal things like coop and dollars. As the staff awards were being handed out however, I realized that the main reason I love Imprint is for the incredible variety of incredible people that come together to create it. This thing called journalism is quickly becoming more than a pastime for me, you bastards are all responsible for that. Thank you.

Speaking of coop, I bought a nice suit about a year ago for the sole purpose of wearing to coop interviews. I thought it was fitting for me to wear that suit for the first time at an event celebrating the thing I did instead. I was overdressed but dammit, I deserved to be.

Jeff and I played a medley of songs about the the business and pleasure of putting our paper together. I love joke songs and my hat is off to Mr. Anstett for his talents as a humourist and singer/guitarist. I have a hunch that we have started a tradition. Woot.

Apparently I'm the cheesiest thing in Imprint. That suits me fine. I'm also the most likely to serenade female proofreaders. I should point out that I do not discriminate. I am very likely to serenade just about anybody in a 50 meter radius. Its just who I am, don't worry, you'll get sick of it soon enough.

In the last term I have learned a buttload. I read sports once, I beat arts once(I don't care what the circumstances were! It happened!), I smoked a joint that was rolled with Rebecca Temmer's Column, I even found an interesting use for my delinquint columnist, Adam Johns. It happened when I was on my way home from the leadership awards thingy(way to go Dilts!). I swung through the SLC in search a toilet. I grabbed an Imprint for reading and hoofed it up to the top floor, where I figured the john would be cleanest. It was clean. It was also out of toilet paper(even paper towel); a fact I discovered far too late. All I had was my Imprint , conveniently opened to page one of Features...

Now, I'm not saying I wiped my ass with Adam Johns. That would be childish, stupid and, extremely uncomfortable. I did however use him to keep my underpants clean on my way to TP. Dinner with Adam, anyone?

Friday, April 01, 2005

Garsh, I do so like this music stuff

Until last night I hadn't been to a concert in a long, long time. Stupid money! If there's one thing I need to keep me sane, its a little live music now and again. By some fortune and a little $10, I was blessed with the opportunity to see not one, but two concerts last night, with a little concert of my own in between. Over the course of the evening I effectively hit five birds with one stone.

My illustrious evening began at Jane Bond with Sarah Casey, T-Mart and B-cup for some Paul MacLeod. Paul played every monday last term at bomber after the open mic, so I've seen him about 15 times. I got used to seeing him on a regular basis and since he stopped playing bomber, I've kinda missed the loveable chap. His music is good. He played all my faves: Holland, Anna-Lisa, She Drives plus some new stuff that was thoroughly enjoyable.

The second bird hit here was the place itself. I've been meaning to check Jane Bond out for some time now. I'm glad I did, it's like some hipcat's basement from the 70s. I had a couple B.Arthurs in honour of B-cup and T-Mart's historic protest. Those guys were drinking Caesars but they ran out of celery and started substituting interesting vegetables. I saw broccoli and a mushroom before I left at half-time.

Third bird(heard word): Ex-Paddy's. I played a couple songs at the open mic. Good times. Then I headed over to Starlight to meet Amy and take care of the fourth and fifth birds: Wassabi Collective and checking out Starlight. Both awesome. Wassabi does a combination of reggae, funk and trance music. These guys were tight. The crowd was full of white people dancing like white people; oh how they danced! I danced too, although I got the distinct impression that I was one of the few not-high people in the room. They had this gogo dancer who did some crazy shit with hula hoops. They were great.

I've got the Imprint staff lunch today to look forward to. I'm pretty psyched. I'm sure you'll hear about that soon enough.